"I Want to Live"
The fog sits thick with mist and mystery. I stand, on edge, on the cliff above the great ravine. "It is time," I think to myself, "to leap into this sacrifice." This deep sacrifice. A sacrifice that in most cases, is a horrible atrosity.
But in this case, in my case, is a glorious neccessity.
A sacrifice...A SUICIDE.
I have always viewed the act of suicide as an act of selfishness that takes a valuable life from this world and the many individuals who love and care for it. Or, at best, an act perpetrated by grave mental struggle, hurt, and brokeness. In this case, however, it is quite the opposite.
My suicide is selfless and it is continuous.It flies in the face of my own will.
I want to live!
I want to be me; damned old me!
But. Each day. I jump. I fall. I die.
"In Need of More"
Before I leap. I take a breath.
Almost as if to allow myself just one more opportunity to escape the impending escape. A quick change of mind is all it takes to thwart the better plan, to remain, to survive one more moment of one more day.
Then. I take the step. NO.
I take the leap. I take the fall.
Plummeting. I begin to think...likely, the same thing you are thinking even now...
The answer to this question is deep and resounds through the corridor of some large amount of time and echoes back to a year when life was much more simple. To a time when I was defined more by innocence than guilt, more by good than evil, yet still in need of more.
I had been partially abandoned. But there was a force, greater than myself or any of us that was watching out and watching over the course on which I was set. "The Maker" had a more developed plan than those who guarded me as a child. It was His design that led me to surrender, once and for all...and then, an even deeper surrender that leads me, daily, to the ledge of sacrifice, the ledge of each day's suicide.
Even longer past, "The Maker" had left His royal realm on a suicide mission Himself. Along His journey many sought His counsel and His friendship only to forsake Him and hang Him on a pole, as a spectacle, being beaten and torn open for all to see, before all of His creation and for all of His creation. Those who hadn't turned their backs looked on as hope was murdered, forgetting that it was for this very purpose that He had arrived...that He existed.
Indeed. The One who made it all came to be killed by His very own creation, and by the most amazing and beloved part of that creation, the part of His creation that most resembled Him.
Oh. What bitterness, what guile He must have tasted. Yay, from the creation's perspective; but nay, from His. Rather, the only well springing up, even during this fearsome time of betrayal, was love. A heartfelt, obviously unconditional passion for those who had hung Him out to dry.
So at my early age, receiving the amazing treasure of this story, I accepted His sacrifice. His suicide mission resulted in a rebirthing of my soul and for that, I am ever indebted.
This is WHY.
Why each day I must fight against my own natural self. Why I must, I absolutely must, take that fall. It is for His rediulous rendering of Himself for me that I must daily render my own life, my own will, my own plan, my own desires for those that run far deeper than the selfish deisres that course through my veins.
"The Taste of Freedom"
There is a freedom in the fall that cannot be tasted whilst planted firmly on the ground of natural life.
Imagine sky diving.
Its a strong shock to the heart. An out of body experience. Its kind of like floating and plummeting all at once. Its the fullness of life wrapped up in a leap of death.
Physical suicide is the typically the result of being burdened. Thusly, this spiritual suicide. The burden of wrong and weakness wrought upon my soul produces my need to be free'd.
Each day I awake to a fresh basket of burden laid heavily upon me... by my own self...my past...my present...my very existence. Its time to be free, again, I remind myself. And it is for this freedom that I plunge, headlong, into this fall...this free-fall for freedom.
Its a seemingly endless fall that quickly finds its extinction. It ends, each time, with a new beginning, a fresh start, a renewed me...a renewed day and opportunity to really live.
Damned old me be damned.
The shallow freedom to be me is damned in this new freedom found in a daily, continuous suicide that brings me to life in "The Maker." It is astonishing every time.
Imagine, for yourself, everything Heaven on Earth would entail. Now multiply that one hundred fold and you might begin to scratch the surface of this bountiful gift from the only One who has it to offer.
This gift, this freedom, is like no other. Its not a freedom like that offered by a temporary high from some drug or drink. Its better than a thrill or a moment of excitement. It is a reality that is within me that was planted deep within me by "The Maker" and can only be experienced fully, daily, by a swift death to my own self.
Death to me. Alive in Him. Free in Him.
"Come, Die with Me!"
I open my eyes. Alive. Free. & New.
The Maker has remade me. Created me afresh. Set me on a new path. Lit my way.
Provided everything I need for the journey ahead. A new excitement now electrifies my enitre being.
A new hope is mine. A renewed Spirit. A promise. A potential like never before.
Each day. Each experience is astonishing. Like the old me is gone again. Like this new me is here to stay.
I recall the first time...the first leap...the first jump...my first death enacted upon my own. I remember believing it was a once and for all deal; kind of like when The Maker had rescued me. But a cruel realization quickly set in. The realization that this death, this sucicide would have to be a consistent, continuous practice if I wanted to truly live within the abundance of all The Maker had marked out for me because each morning there I am. Me again. The me that I had disposed of has made a comeback. By now, though, it is predictable. There is an inherent deisre within each of us to live focused upon ourselves.
This, then, is the cause for my calling to say goodbye to me and hello to me in Him.
The better me. The stronger me. The happier me. The more resolute me.
Friends, allow me to invite you to this deeper life; this deeper reality.
It is found solely by trusting The Maker, dying to yourself, and coming to life in Him.
His name. The Maker's Name, is Jesus!